I sit in the dark living room and wait for Kyle to return. Aunt Emma’s words play in my ear on constant repeat. Am I brave enough to love Kyle in the open? Am I brave enough to fight for that love? Am I brave enough to finally admit who I really am? I ponder those words constantly while my warring emotions also catch up to the fact he left to be with Tommy. He chose Tommy over me. Again.

               Just as the dawning of how selfish I am comes to my mind, I see the headlights of a pickup truck flash through the living room window. Quickly, I run to the window and look at the truck parked in front of the house. It’s too dark in the street to tell if they are talking or kissing each other goodnight. Either way, I’m pissed, yet relieved he’s home. Finally, the passenger door opens and out steps Kyle. He waves and the truck pulls off. Without thinking, I storm outside to confront him. Definitely not the smartest thing I’ve done in a long list of stupid things today.

               “What? Fucking him wasn’t enough? You had to give him a goodbye kiss too?” I’m aching for a fight. I know I hurt him with my words earlier, and the only way I know to get rid of my pain is to cause more pain.

               He stares at me for a beat, looking tired and worn out. He exhales and walks past me, but I can’t let this go. Did he wrap his arms around him instead of me? Did his lips and tongue touch him in places that should have been on me? He belongs to me. Not Tommy—me.

               I grab his left arm, but he is stronger than I am. He steps to the side and kicks my feet from under me. I lose my balance, but he holds me and softens my fall to the lawn. He straddles me, pinning my arms, just as he did yesterday in the hotel. I don’t fight him because I’m too busy warring with the tears of anguish. It’s killing me to think he was with Tommy.

               “Did you fuck him?” I sob. He bares his teeth and growls at me like an angry dog. “Did you? Did you let him touch you? Did you touch him?” My mind is wild with accusations I have no right to ask.

               “Why do you want to know? Do you want to fuck me instead?” He leans down near to my ear, and I can smell the scent of cigarettes and cheap liquor. His mouth is so close to my ear I feel the flicker of his tongue when he speaks. “Are you going to stroke it for me instead? Are you going to quiet my demons and take me in your mouth until I explode down your throat? Will you let me fuck you so hard that you won’t be able to sit for a week? Because, Lyle, until you’re ready to give me everything, you have no right to ask me those questions.”

               A breath that was frozen in my throat releases and I feel high. I melt at his words and come back molded into a different person. “I would if you want me to,” I confess.

               He pauses, then lifts his head and looks at me. I cry pathetically now in front of him because I have nothing more to lose and nothing more to give.

               “What are you saying?”

               “I’d rather it be me than anyone else. You were supposed to be mine, not his, not anyone else’s. Mine. From that day at the park, you were mine.” The most honest words I’ve spoken in such a long time fall from my soul and into his heart.

               His eyes warm and he bends and kisses me. Our tongues meld into each other as he releases my hands and I wrap my arms around his neck, pulling him greedily towards me. My mind screams, “More, I want more,” and my body reacts the same. Both of us are so lost in each other we don’t remember we are outside. My hands clumsily yank at his t-shirt and make their way down to his jeans, trying desperately to unbutton them. Propriety be damned, I need him now. My world tilts on its axis and I feel like the course of nature has been set straight again. This is where I belong right now, with Kyle. It’s always been him.

               He comes up for air and groans loudly when my hand finds its mark inside of his jeans, fondling his dick. I stroke it hard as he grinds his hips, bringing his head back down to lick down my neck. At that, I forget to breathe, and eventually begin to hyperventilate. I try to catch my breath, but his lips slam against mine.

               A dog barks in the distance, breaking Kyle out of our spell. He pulls away from me and I try desperately to bring him back to me.

               He shakes his head. “We can’t. This isn’t right.” He gasps and stands, rubbing his hands over his face.

               I sit up and I cry out, desperate to have him. I’ll do anything he asks if he gives me this one night.

               “Please,” I beg.

               He turns and looks at me, and the pain on his face cuts deeper than I could ever imagine. “We can’t. We got so many fucking demons in our past that we might hurt each other. At least if I keep my distance, we can still pretend and hold on to being brothers.” He turns and walks towards the house.

               “Brothers? Do you kiss your brother that way? I’m asking you, for this one night, let’s forget the past and let’s just be us.”

               “Who is us? How do we separate the us from the past and who we are now? Are you ready to come out? Are you ready to give up Tracey?” he spits.

               Tracey? What does she have to do with this? I look away from him.

               “Exactly. You don’t want me to fuck Tommy, but it’s okay for you to have Tracey? Let me get one thing straight when it comes to you. I. Don’t. Fucking. Share.” He lets the words hang in the air before he finishes. “You don’t get to have it both ways anymore, Lyle. You’re either with me or we’re just brothers. No more skirting the fucking issue anymore.” Done with the argument, he walks towards the house again.

Stunned and hurt, I open my mouth and then close it again, unsure of what to say or how to respond. I can’t give up Tracey, but I also know I can’t give him up either. Again, jealousy creeps into my thoughts, and I jump up and run after him. “Did you fuck him?” I need to know this. I have to know.

               He stops and turns to me, eyes narrowed into slits. “Do you really think I could’ve kissed you like that after being with someone else?”

               I stumble backwards from his words. I insulted him yet again today. “But you were going to fuck him, why didn’t you?”

               The weight of his silence becomes heavy as I wait for his response. My legs feel weak, partially from that mind-numbing kiss and part because I don’t know if I’m prepared for what he’s about to say. My eyes drift to the five o’clock shadow on his face and instinctively, I rub my chin, feeling the remnants of our kiss. I can still feel his lips on my own and taste him in my mouth.

He looks me in the eyes, and his green eyes sparkle to life with the light of honesty. “Because he wasn’t you. Because I don’t want to hide anymore. But what I want to know is, do you have the courage to do the same?”

With that challenge thrown, he walks inside, leaving me alone to decide whether or not I’m going to be brave.